I’ve been numb for some time, I don’t know exactly when feeling left me if it was instantly or if it was a gradual process. The years of feeling too much and too deeply while trying to be the logical thinker in the relationship. When Carmelo started getting sick repeatedly I learned very quickly that in this world as a caregiver you have to become the voice of reason. I am fortunate enough that my husband allows me to be very involved in his care. When he is well for periods of clarity he trusts me and knows if things start to go the wrong way that I can see it and I can advocate for him when he cannot for himself. I am his voice but somewhere I lost mine.
Carmelo is a very emotional person, he feels things on a deeper level than most, significantly more than most men show. He wears his heart on his sleeve, but this also means he thinks emotionally and makes decisions based on how he feels rather than what may be the most logical solution. Not only is he an emotional thinker he also tends to take on the feelings of others. If I’m having a bad day it affects his mood. If I’m sad he’s sad because he feels my pain, if I’m frustrated and angry he’s angry too—a chameleon. I’ve put his emotional stability and my children’s before mine for so long, afraid of his instability, afraid of showing emotion for fear of disturbing his balance. Afraid to feel, or afraid to expose myself to rock the boat.
The trauma of everything around some of the worst moments and having to make quick decisions for the sake of my family have made me strong in a way I could of never imagined. Strength comes at a cost, my strength has cost me the ability to be soft, It’s hardened me. Having to be the brave face means concealing my real face. But if I’m being honest behind my strength is a woman that’s really emotionally damaged and scarred. I choke it all down, I don’t feel anything but I taste and all I taste is bitterness and resentment. It sits in my stomach and burns my throat to the point that I can’t see anything but fault. Time and circumstances, disappointments and dreams unfulfilled and lost, have given way to resentment, something I’ve never experienced before in our many years together.
I know that I’m numb and that it’s not a good way to be. To feel is emotion human. One of my friends recently expressed how remarkable I am for continuing to just keep going when life seems to continually be dragging me down. This raincloud that seems to stay with me and stream of bad luck that plagues me is relentless. I told him I’ve come to the conclusion that I am no longer human, I am an alien in this shell of a body just navigating through life an imposter amongst the real people, because no one actually sees me I don’t even recognize myself.
I am not the same. You can’t go through a life loving someone that is seriously mentally ill, or even physically ill without being changed. I hold it together so well because I have no choice but it doesn’t mean I want to, or that it’s not hard. I am not a strong woman, not in all the ways I want to be I just dont have the option to show weakness or vulnerability. That’s so wrong and so unhealthy. I have watched myself become a bitter, resentful woman, so far from the person I was, I used to be soft and tender, compassionate I miss myself.
That was my better self and that’s what this journey of rediscovery is about. Giving myself permission to feel, and accepting that It’s ok to fall apart sometimes, even when the only one you have to pick yourself back up is you. Giving myself grace to just not be okay and not have all the answers. Sometimes my best may not be enough, and that’s ok too. I’m allowing myself to sit in the moments of peace and not worry when the other shoe is going to fall. Pain can lead to progress, and it can also lead to peace if you let it. So I continue to recommit myself to finding joy, letting go of my resentments and and accepting that we are not where we want to be and we can write a new chapter anywhere in our story.