Weariness is the only word that describes it, and it seems to small a word to really encompass what this road feels like. Now more than ever the mental exhaustion of trying to carry it all really weighs heavy on me. Some days I feel I am on the brink of a break down myself. But there’s no time for that. There’s no time for anything. I find myself feeling very small, buried with obstacles in a hole so deep I can’t seem to find which way is up or down. When things feel like they can’t possibly worse they do. I felt that a year ago when we lost the mortage on the home we had put our hearts into after renting it for 6 years.
A year later we once again found ourself in the same predicament with housing when the landlords decided to move back into the house we where renting we where forced to move in with friends into their guest room. Now I am extremely grateful for the generosity, but the situation is not ideal and we are pressed for space and time. My family is split up, with limited space I sent my eldest daughter away for the summer, and my son went to live with his brother. And in the midst of upheaval Carmelo is sick he cannot get regulated long enough to help me. That’s the hardest part of being in love with someone with a serious mental illness. The lonliness, as time goes on the lonliness is overtaking and overwheming. The thing is we’re both lonely in our own right. He is alone in his head in the battle, and I am alone with what seems the rest of it. The despair I feel, there’s no one to share that with. Because they’ve all gone away from me from us, from this. Most people choose to walk away then look upon this wreck.
He vacillates between clarity and awareness of his fragile mental health and agnosia where he can’t recognize that he’s sick. And here I am sick myself, sick of it all. The terrible system to get treatment, fighting for him while he fights against me. There are moments within any given day that I just want it to all stop. There are moments when I question my strength and my fortitude. Can I really keep doing this for a lifetime? Then I question everything I am, what kind of person would I be to give up. What kind of person do I need be to keep going and how do I find her?